The Bad Review

        You may have noticed (at least I hope you have) that I try and make my blog, Prescription Fiction a very light hearted, non-confrontational, comfortable place for all you lovely chaps to explore. I try my best to use non-offensive language, a fairly positive tone and just to be double sure that I come across as friendly to you lot I grin constantly while writing these blogs (actually, I might stop that, my face is starting to hurt). Now, all this fluffy, goodness-and-light pleasantry business may seem just fine and dandy to you, however being nice in the book blogging industry (If I call it an industry I sound way more professional) has one fatal flaw – I cannot write a bad review.

         I have tried. I have sat down, boring book in hand, scowl firmly set upon my face, ready to write some hard-hitting, brutally- honest blog posts. But it’s as if as soon as my fingers hit the keyboard all that anger just slips away and my head is crammed full of butterflies, rainbows and such a beautiful happiness that I simply cannot type a single tainted word. It sucks.

  

       So far, on this blog, I have not uttered a single sour word towards any book at all. I have pointed out flaws, yes, but more by way of creative criticism, two stars and a wish if you don’t mind reverting to primary school terms. I have avoided the bad review at all costs. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I am a reading saint, immune to all negative bookish thoughts, enjoying every book presented to me, and it isn’t as I have been lying to you, swearing to you that the worst books are the best, tricking you into a day or two of bash-your-brain out monotony. No, I have simply avoided the bad review entirely. Making a conscious decision not to write about the books I don’t like. And why I hear you ask curiously through your computer screens, well, let me tell you.

        Guilt. Guilt is what stops me from tearing a book to shreds for all to see. I get that funny little knot in my tummy just thinking mean thoughts about my book. I would like to be honest with you, telling you about why I hated that love triangle or why the author’s sentence structure made me what to rip off my own eyebrows, but every time I hover my hands by the computer, ready to tell you what any professional book critic would, I imagine being the author of that book and finding a review like that.

  

       Every book you read has an author. Someone who sat for months, sometimes years behind a keyboard, dreaming up a world and spilling every ounce of literary brilliance they possess into the pages of a book. I have such a major attachment to some books, I will happily fight their corner in any way I can – if that’s me, I can’t even begin to imagine how strong a bond an author must have with their own book. How must they feel when they read a harsh review? We’re practically attacking their children!  I cannot bear to be responsible for that.

 

How could I ever be mean to Moran :'c

        That’s, not to say, however, that I have a problem with others who are bold enough to publish bad reviews, quite the opposite actually. I read bad reviews regularly, they’re juicy and interesting, and if it’s a book I did happen to like, I like to hear the different perspective. I respect the skill in being able to politely tell your audience that you disliked a book.

 However, there are times when that can go too far. I hate to see bloggers violently destroying a book without reason, writing only for the purposes of an interesting post, as opposed to informing others or expressing an opinion. I cringe when I see bloggers bite and snap over some poor guy’s debut novel on the basis that they ‘just didn’t like the book’. That is not a reason that is an opinion. If you really must be so harsh and aggressive about a book, I want you to give at least one good valid reason as to why, otherwise, you’re simply being mean. Not cool.

I could turn John Green into this...

I’m scared that if I write a bad review, this will be the case. All of this. I will write out all my negativity, hit publish and you guys will all read it and think I’m being terribly rude and mean and nasty! You will press un-follow and spread the world of my disgusting, evil character. I will never blog again. What’s more, the author of that book will somehow stumble upon my post. They will read my words with a look of misery on their face, one sad tear rolling down their cheek as they realise that they have failed as an author. They decide never to write again. With one post I will have kicked myself out of the blogging world, ruined someone’s life and looked like a prat all at the same time. Horrific, right? In my mind, this is the only outcome of writing a bad review and it terrifies me.

However, I do want to be the best blogger I could possibly be. I want to be able to talk about some of the books I didn’t like, start discussions, find out if you guys feel the same. So I write to you all today, looking for advice. I want to know! Do you guys want bad reviews? Do they make you cringe? Laugh? Do you like them? Do you read them? Tell me down in the comments, please! Because, honestly, I’m horrifically bad at the bad review.

How to Cure the Reading Slump

The reading slump: a disease, exclusive to readers only, in which one cannot get their face stuck into any books for a stupidly long period of time. Symptoms of the reading slump include loss of interest, total boredom and an overwhelming desire to hit one’s self in the face with a large hardback from the cookery section.

        Yes folks, the reading slump, it happens to the best of us and it happens to the worst. It’s hideous, entirely unavoidable and up until now, thought to be incurable, but I’m here to make all of that change! Use my newly discovered method and you’ll be out of bed with your hardback-harry-potter bruises fading away in no time. So, let’s put our lab-coats on, grab our stethoscopes and get right down to the bottom of this horrific illness. Doctor Evie - reporting for duty.

  

       Firstly, why does the reading slump even happen? The disease seems so random and spiteful that even the most wiggly bookworms (I mean the kind of people who can flip between Charles Dickens and Diary Of a Wimpy Kid without even a couple minutes break to make a cup of tea) could easily be infected. You can wash your hands all you like, but there seems to be nothing stopping you from being poisoned as well. Or is there?

Well, if my research proves true, the slump is most likely to thrive in those who place too much pressure on themselves. Don’t force yourself to read! In fact, that’s probably one of the worst things you can do. There’s nothing worse than pressing yourself to crawl through a long, monotonous book just because you think you have to! Who cares if Johnny, Greg and Tabitha have all read ‘The Great Gatsby’ and you haven’t? Who cares if you don’t know what the hell an ‘Avox’ even is? Who cares?!

This substance may be of detriment
to your health. 

 Read because you want to, not because you feel you have to and I promise the slump won’t be hiding round your bookshelves any time soon. This, I think, is why the slump always hits me hardest when I’m trying to get through a novel for English class. Sadly, English class reading cannot be helped and this is when we need the cure! Cue Evie's medical science! 

        So, here you are. You’re sitting on the couch with your old battered school copy of ‘To Kill a Mocking Bird’ for the sixth time that week; you’ve just read the same sentence about sixteen times over when you decide you’ve had enough. You go to find a different book from your bedroom, but you’re not really sure what you’re looking for. You must have started and gave up on five different books before you realise… you’ve got it. The slump has hit, you are infected.

   

I prescribe one dose of Vampire
Fiction. To be taken twice
daily. 

      Sadly in this case, my first curing method– to read something different that you actually want to read - has not worked. Sometimes a simple change of pace can get you speeding along again but not this time. We will be using method number two – re-reading. Though a book may not be so riveting the second time around, re-reading still provides a comfortable experience with book you know for a fact that you like. It doesn’t take too much effort and attention and because you’re certain to enjoy it your reading enthusiasm will be boosted enough to take on any library.

  

       With a sigh, you pick up your old blue copy of ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ and settle back down for a long-haul read. But, to your horror, not even Augustus Waters can perk you up anymore. This calls for some drastic action!

  

       Method number 3: The bookshop. Immersing yourself in a place so thick with scent of stories and characters can be enough to make your page-turning hand start to itch. The bookshop is magical. I don’t know about you but I always get excited buying a new book, in fact, I get so psyched that I always have to start my new book as soon as I get home. You buy something new, trying your best to get buzzed over your purchase, and nervously make your way home. Surely this will get you nose back between the pages of a book?

 

Quarantine Zone. 

        Nope. It hasn’t worked. You’re back on the couch, ready to burn your bookshelf to the ground. I have only one more method left. It is the simplest, most effective, yet probably the most ignored method that there is:

   

      Just stop. Let it go. Put the book down and walk away. It may take a day, a week, or even only an hour but I promise you that eventually you’ll regain your appetite for words and paper and stories once again.  You need to make reading fun again for yourself and this is never going to happen when you’re trying to make yourself read when, obviously, you don’t really want to.

  

       Uncommonly known fact about the slump: It can smell fear. So, the longer you fret and worry over the slump’s horrific symptoms, the longer the slump will trap you in its vice-like grip. Forget about it, stop worrying. It’s inconvenient and annoying, yes, but it isn’t the end of the world – you’ll survive. Soon enough you’ll get your hands on something so good that it’ll be all you can do not to swallow it up in one day or less. Because the best cure for the read slump, is really very simple – time.

   

      And with that I conclude my scientific research. May all those suffering from the illness be benefited and healed by my discovery. Doctor Evie is over and out.