The reading
slump: a disease, exclusive to readers only, in which one cannot get their face
stuck into any books for a stupidly long period of time. Symptoms of the
reading slump include loss of interest, total boredom and an overwhelming
desire to hit one’s self in the face with a large hardback from the cookery
section.
Yes folks, the reading slump, it
happens to the best of us and it happens to the worst. It’s hideous, entirely
unavoidable and up until now, thought to be incurable, but I’m here to make all
of that change! Use my newly discovered method and you’ll be out of bed with
your hardback-harry-potter bruises fading away in no time. So, let’s put our
lab-coats on, grab our stethoscopes and get right down to the bottom of this
horrific illness. Doctor Evie - reporting for duty.
Firstly, why does the reading slump
even happen? The disease seems so random and spiteful that even the most wiggly
bookworms (I mean the kind of people who can flip between Charles Dickens and
Diary Of a Wimpy Kid without even a couple minutes break to make a cup of tea) could easily be infected. You can wash your hands all you like, but there seems
to be nothing stopping you from being poisoned as well. Or is there?
Well, if my research proves true, the slump is most likely to
thrive in those who place too much pressure on themselves. Don’t force yourself
to read! In fact, that’s probably one of the worst things you can do. There’s
nothing worse than pressing yourself to crawl through a long, monotonous book
just because you think you have to! Who cares if Johnny, Greg and Tabitha have all read ‘The Great
Gatsby’ and you haven’t? Who cares if you don’t know what the hell an ‘Avox’ even
is? Who cares?!
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| This substance may be of detriment to your health. |
Read because you want
to, not because you feel you have to and I promise the slump won’t be hiding
round your bookshelves any time soon. This, I think, is why the slump always
hits me hardest when I’m trying to get through a novel for English class.
Sadly, English class reading cannot be helped and this is when we need the
cure! Cue Evie's medical science!
So, here you are. You’re sitting on the
couch with your old battered school copy of ‘To Kill a Mocking Bird’ for the
sixth time that week; you’ve just read the same sentence about sixteen times
over when you decide you’ve had enough. You go to find a different book from
your bedroom, but you’re not really sure what you’re looking for. You must have
started and gave up on five different books before you realise… you’ve got it.
The slump has hit, you are infected.
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| I prescribe one dose of Vampire Fiction. To be taken twice daily. |
Sadly in this case, my first curing
method– to read something different that you actually want to read - has not
worked. Sometimes a simple change of pace can get you speeding along again but
not this time. We will be using method number two – re-reading. Though a book
may not be so riveting the second time around, re-reading still provides a
comfortable experience with book you know for a fact that you like. It doesn’t
take too much effort and attention and because you’re certain to enjoy it your
reading enthusiasm will be boosted enough to take on any library.
With a sigh, you pick up your old blue
copy of ‘The Fault In Our Stars’ and settle back down for a long-haul read.
But, to your horror, not even Augustus Waters can perk you up anymore. This
calls for some drastic action!
Method number 3: The bookshop.
Immersing yourself in a place so thick with scent of stories and characters can
be enough to make your page-turning hand start to itch. The bookshop is
magical. I don’t know about you but I always get excited buying a new book, in
fact, I get so psyched that I always have to start my new book as soon as I get
home. You buy something new, trying your best to get buzzed over your purchase,
and nervously make your way home. Surely this will get you nose back between
the pages of a book?
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| Quarantine Zone. |
Nope. It hasn’t worked. You’re back on
the couch, ready to burn your bookshelf to the ground. I have only one more
method left. It is the simplest, most effective, yet probably the most ignored
method that there is:
Just stop. Let it go. Put the book down
and walk away. It may take a day, a week, or even only an hour but I promise
you that eventually you’ll regain your appetite for words and paper and stories
once again. You need to make reading fun
again for yourself and this is never going to happen when you’re trying to make
yourself read when, obviously, you don’t really want to.
Uncommonly known fact about the slump:
It can smell fear. So, the longer you fret and worry over the slump’s horrific
symptoms, the longer the slump will trap you in its vice-like grip. Forget
about it, stop worrying. It’s inconvenient and annoying, yes, but it isn’t the
end of the world – you’ll survive. Soon enough you’ll get your hands on
something so good that it’ll be all you can do not to swallow it up in one day
or less. Because the best cure for the read slump, is really very simple –
time.
And with that I conclude my scientific
research. May all those suffering from the illness be benefited and healed by
my discovery. Doctor Evie is over and out.
